The Boom Juice!

Sometimes I feel like with the powers that I've been given, I have to explain certain things to the people with the tiny brains and sh-t. I was hunting the other day with my Asian friend Carl, and his adopted Caucasian son, Dennis. We were hunting for wolves and sh-t, and his son out of nowhere, asks us "How does a gun work?"... f*cking idiot!

Well his dad all of a sudden gets into some numbers and crap, physics sh-t, centrifical forces and all that garbage! He talks for a whole five minutes until I tell him to shut up! Jesus Christ! I grabbed the kid by the hand and starred him in the eyes and said, "Look you little sh-t! This is how guns work, you press the trigger and the magical boom juice in the gun, makes the bullet fly out of the gun and kills something!"

Needless to say, we didn't catch any wolves that day... but that kid learned something new.

Rest in Peace - Dennis.

Science Project: The Re-ignition

As I am typing this, I've already assumed that you're stupid -- and it's okay. My name is Bill Eastwood and I'm here to make you smarter then you were two minutes ago. You only get smarter by learning so I've thought up this little projects for you bozo's. This project is for couples only -- but it's most likely that the female will be more eager to attempt this experiment than the male. You won't need anything for this experiment except for a camcorder and each other. I will repeat that once again -- camcorder! Because this experiment needs video documentation. So lets begin shall we.

Experiment: The RE-ignition

Step 1: Wait for a moment when you and your mate are enjoying yourselves. You know, watching television, microwaving the cat, sex sounds, doing vigilante stuff, microwaving the cat... stuff of that nature.

Step 2: At the moment of pure joy bring up an old forgotten topic. Make sure thes topic you bring up is something that you both once argued in the past. Make sure it was a subject that you both had argued about so savagely, that it almost reached the point of bed burning and/or random acts of violence towards the cat. Just bring up this subject once again, and make sure you both argue about it!



Step 3: Film this and upload this video online for the world to see.

This is an easy one for you lot. So get to experimenting future scientist of science!

What is Science, and How does it Affect Me?

As everyone knows, God was created by the great philosopher Leonardo DaVinci in the year 1782, after the great Budda revolution took place in what is now southern Milwaukee. But where, or who, (or what) did Science come from? This has been a question that has plagued scientists for millenia, and, as of yet there is no clear answer.

Many speculate that science was created some 4000 years before God, and over 16 billion years before the creation of our Dark Lord Satan and his older brother, Clem.

This theory is of course, preposterous, as new evidence suggests that science was created only 10 years ago by a feudal tribe in uninhabited Siberia. However, this evidence is being put to trial, as one of the key pieces of evidence, a denim jacket signed by the former pope, is under the accusation of having been a forgery. If it is indeed ruled to be forged, the teaching of science may be banned in public schools for up to a decade.

So of course, this is a critical trial that effects every one of us, except for those in Australia, for obvious reasons. That is why the Holy University of St. Science III has been commissioned in finding the true origin of science itself.

In order to understand the origins of science, one must understand what science actually is. This has been a question that has been answered only quite recently, and still very little is known about the true nature of science. However, through the miracle of modern technology, we're fairly certain that we know enough about science, to make a clear definition.

--What is Science?--

Science, in it's most basic form, is a liquid, which when taken by the user, enhances the intelligence center of the brain and stimulates the scientific glands. A side effect of this is often enhancement of the genitalia, which is why scientists the world over are revered as some of the most virile and sexually active people on the planet.

The main use of science, is of course in the production of flying cars. Currently, however, there are no other known uses for science, but universities and laboratories are searching every day for new discoveries.

Because of the powerful nature of science, large doses of the substance are often distrubuted in the schoolyard, where students buy initially to keep steady grades from ever more demanding parents. Unfortunately, this has lead to a large percentage of school students to become science “junkies,” addicted to the sweet liquid knowledge and enhanced sexual ability. This sad trend has led to many schools to begin scientific rehabilitation programs for recovering addicts.

This should not be a deterrent for teaching science in schools, however, as every new student who graduates from a scientific study program brings another flying car to a needy family. Should science be banned as a result of the upcoming trial, we could see a massive deficit in the sale of flying cars, bringing the economy to a near stand-still.

I urge anyone reading this to write to your local political dignitary, and urge them to continue teaching science in our schools, despite whatever ruling comes from the international courts. Clearly the benefits of science outweigh the harms. This is a matter that affects us all. You have the power to act.